“George W. Bush: Online Gambling to Save Social Security”

In an effort to bail out the ailing Social Security program, President George W. Bush has devised a plan that is nothing if it’s not original. Bush’s plan involves establishing individual gambling accounts for young workers to use the money for gambling purposes. The money for the accounts would come from the government, which would have to borrow trillions of dollars to set up the accounts. Winnings would automatically be deposited into retirement accounts.

Bush explained why the plan will be successful: “If you bet on a red and win, and you keep on doing it, everyone will become a millionaire and Social Security will be saved”. President Bush said that his administration got the idea for the plan after a study on the probable success of privatized investment accounts found that the average American would have a greater chance of making money by gambling than by playing the stock market.

Not everyone agrees with Bush’s plan, however, and the AARP has been particularly vocal in expressing their opposition, arguing that Bush is only promoting this plan because it will benefit his cronies in the online gambling industry. Bush countered by stating that “the AARP is composed of commies and homos” and that “their opinion doesn’t really matter since they will all be dead before we see the effects of the plan anyhow.

To push Bush’s idea, the Treasury Department intends to run advertisements featuring a cartoon squirrel named GWYFA (an acronym for “Gamble With Your Future Act”). In the commercial, GWYFA doesn’t have enough nuts stored away for the winter until he starts playing online blackjack and makes a ton of nuts. During the commercial there is a voiceover that states, “Do not go hungry in the winter. Gamble with your money before it’s too late”.

Online gambling companies swear that they won’t make a cent from all of the extra players, saying instead that they stand to lose everything if that many new players started to gamble and win. When asked what would happen if the players lost the money, the operators all refused to comment.

The President responded to the inquiry, however, by saying that critics of the plan don’t trust the American people, but he does. He said American citizens should have the right to play poker, roulette, blackjack or any other type of gambling game they choose. In other words, let the people decide, not the government.